Monday, September 14, 2009

With a Boulder on My Shoulder, Feelin Kinda Older

I guess I use this thing to vent and share feelings and I think that's a good thing. If I didn't have this outlet in my life, I believe I would do some irrational things in this life. This is NOT an option for me, therefore I need to find other ways to deal with anger in an appropriate manner. thus the creation of this Blog, allowing me to get stuff off the chest yet still remain great and lovable.

There have been a lot of changes going on in my life over the past 5 to 6 months. I have a new job, that I really appreciate and look forward to making successful. I have a new passion in life, which facilitates my need to explore new things and live an exciting existence. That has also led to a new blog that I'm very dedicated to maintaining and keeping current. I have taken on a HUGE responsibility in the volunteer group that I am a member of. This does not scare me, but I do feel the weight of expectation from the more knowledgeable members of the club, and it can be a little intimidating. But I'm completely willing to go ahead, try things, and if i make mistakes, learn from them. And yes, I'm working on that real special thing, but I just haven't figured out how to get it all together, mostly because I haven't been able to balance schedules out to make it work.

Make it work. I've always tried to make things work, no matter what the cost might be for me personally, financially, or physically. I want to do well in everything I try to be involved with, because I know no other way. I guess you could say that this post is a result of the little things getting in the way, thus making me wonder if the real big things that I'm responsible for are worth the time and effort. People are probably going to tell me to suck it up and deal with it, because everyone has problems, and they deal with it, and I agree. People will probably tell me that I need to prioritize and only take on what is important. I think the difference will be what I see as a priority and what other people see as a priority. Let me break myself down to you.

My number one priority in life is to find confirmation of the existence of God in the world. There, I said it. In my humble opinion, when you find things in this world where human beings have had no influence in the creation of (besides the birth of a child), it causes one to wonder about where things come from and why. I'm of the belief that the world of Nature is that key. Nature can't lie to you. Nature will always remain constant. Nature may change itself through the weather, volcanoes, earthquakes, etc., but in the end its still beautiful and amazing to witness. People may claim the scientific route for an explanation, and they have for years. I just believe that there is a greater power at work here, and for me at least, I choose to believe that God is responsible. So that's number one.

Number two is difficult to explain. I know what I want two to be, its just that I know its not right now, but I should put it in more effort. I want a wonderful wife. Period. Someone I can share everything with. (Read another one of my posts to learn more) I think I have a great person, but like I said earlier, it's complex. Let's put it this way: If she was in my life completely, she is Number two.

Since that's not the case (yet), Family becomes Number Two right now. But my definition of Family is very different than a lot of people's definition. Yes, my real Family is very important to me and I cherish them immensely. However, I choose to include the people that I'm close with in this category, even though we may not be actually related. Now I do have a problem sometimes that I include people I shouldn't in this category, and I admit this. I have a very inclusive personality that gets me into trouble a lot, because I haven't done all the background research on something.

Number Three is work. I love to work because I get to try and move people to the current Number Two. (I know, not a good thing) Both jobs that I do allow me to interact with all types of different people and try to make an impact on their lives. I can be a positive, happy, inspiring person that brings out the best in people. Fortunately for me, I was blessed with a very open personality and consistent work ethic that allows the people I work for and with the opportunity to trust me. I take this placed trust very seriously. I want to be known as a hard worker loyal to my companies I work for, and I hope I've done a pretty good job with that.

Number Four is doing good things in the world. Whether it be for others, the environment, or good causes, I believe that this is important to be connected to. I have been given wonderful to be a part of a great volunteer group that believes in servicing their community, and having a great time doing it as well. I truly enjoy this part of my life, the actual SERVICE part of it.

So, now that you know my TOP FOUR, what do you suppose I do with my problems. I know what some of you would say, but I know what it provides for me, so I don't think I should give that up. You guys want to know what I have been giving up? The thing that I want to make Number Two. I've been feeding the current Number Two, Three, and Four, that I haven't really worked on what I really want. My dreamed of Number Two! So what do I do?

Oh, find time in the schedule, right? Does that mean make time in the schedule, by cutting other things out? I've told my hoped for Number Two about my addiction, and I have a feeling she knows why I do it. And she still likes that part of me. People are going to tell me that I have responsibilities, and I'm beginning to think that there will always be those things. I'm starting to think now that I need to stand up for what I want in my life, and not for what others expect me to do in this life. Like I tell you all, I love you, but I got some things to think about. I'll be back. K

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Good Things All Around

So, I'm into the process of making in-roads with all the students at Atherton. It's a diverse group of people made up of international, mainland, and local kids from the outer islands, with maybe a few Oahuans here and there. Most are willing to make the effort to say hi, shake your hand, and make some conversation with you. I must admit that this place is really growing on me, and that I'm starting to get into a solid groove here.

Most of the way that I operate is to try and find some commonality with someone and use it to develop a good relationship. I try to use humor to make individuals more able to let themselves go so that they are more willing to share something of themselves. I try not to force any situation upon someone, and hopefully they eventually get to the point where they start to get comfortable being around me. I think I'm going to need help remembering that some people may take things the wrong way, even though I don't intentionally try to hurt their feelings.

I made a mistake tonight with my mind. I didn't process something quickly enough, made a joke about it, then turned somebody off. Language barriers can sometimes be a rough thing, especially when you trying hard, maybe too hard. The hardest part of the whole thing was that I really appreciate this person and had a enjoyable time hanging out with them tonight, until this incident happened. They replied to my question, I didn't completely understand it, so I made a joke about it, and their feelings got hurt. Of course, I tried to apologize, but I guess it was to late. This sucks!

What was real hard to take was seeing the look on this person's face. It spoke volumes to me, and told me that I blew it with that one. Do I change what I normally do because I made this mistake? My gut tells me that I try to do what is right and not try to make too much of an issue about it with this person. I hope they find it within themselves to allow me another opportunity to make a positive impact in their life. This person is very kind and thoughtful, and I would hate to have to feel like I failed with this one. I think I'll be patient, and wait for the right moment to try and apologize again. I just can't stand the look On Your Face. It tells me I failed. Alright, I'll man up. Just remember, good things all round. K

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Pompitous of Love

Have you ever imagined what the true Dream Woman of your life really is? I'm not speaking about fantasies, lust, infatuation, or carnal desires. I'm talking about the woman that you share everything with, and I do mean EVERYTHING. That one person that knows so many things about you, that even blackmail is not the way to describe how much control she has. This woman knows how loud you snore. This woman understands you may not wash your hands after sneezing out hanabata before you shake her Daddy's hand. This woman knows how much you really like romantic comedies even though you say you don't out loud in front of your boys. We are talking about this woman.

Why is she a Dream Woman? The way I see it, I'm guaranteed going to share more than my bodily functionality and oddities with this person, and that's going to take a lot of time and trust. I've always believed this little bit of advice: the only way to truly be in love is to open yourself up so completely to someone that they have the power to completely hurt you like no else can. I imagine that's why it's taken me so long to get over my first love, if I truly have. I shared everything with that lady, all my hopes, all my dreams, everything I stood for, everything that made me the person I was. Damn right it hurt when I finally let it go, because to me, I think she let me go along time before. If you know me well, you know it's taken me YEARS. And I think a little bit of it lingers. Not alot so that I can't move forward, but just enough to remember.

So, you are probably wondering if I am moving forward. Well, history tells us that Mr. Keahi is a very slow mover when it comes to this thing. I spent six months just watching my first foray into love from afar, not making any moves. (stalkerish I know, but I had to be sure she wasn't a player) And then to top that off, we spent six months "being friends" without me making any big moves, just chilling. And then after I finally told her my true feelings, it took another 3 months just to get to the "relationship" portion of the thing. So yeah, I'm slow. I like to know what I'm getting into. I like to feel that I have a good judgement of character. I like to feel like I'm making sure that I give myself to someone worthy of the "Space Cowboy".

Yes, I'm being evasive, but if your still reading this, haven't you figured it out yet? Let's just say that I've gotten past the evaluation stage of my list. Yes, I've been working on this one for a long time now. Understand that there are many factors going into this decision, and that it's not as black and white as some people make relationships out to be. I know that this one values many of the same things that I do. I know that family is a very big thing. I know that my Hawaiian side will most def be represented with this one. I know that we could be something special. I just have to make sure we do it right. And I'm not rushing this by any stretch of the imagination. But I'll make you a few guarantees

She's gonna know everything about me, absolutely. She will understand everything that makes me tick and have the power to do as she will. But I have faith, my peeps. I truly believe that I can make it work. I just need to be smart, patient, and trustworthy. I think she knows, or we wouldn't have made it this far. I'm ready for whatever. Wish me luck! K

Friday, August 7, 2009

The Hall of the Mountain Kings

The night club industry can be strange. It's a place where people can live out their fantasies without really getting their hands dirty. People can envision themselves with anyone, at anytime, and play games with not only each other, but themselves. Some of the things that you see people become are completely unrelated to the thing that you normally associate them with, if you know them from another area of life. Guys pretend to be "Ballers" when you know they rode to the club in their Mom's Ultima. Ladies doll themselves up into whatever pin-up girl they looked at online or in a magazine, when normally they don't wear those type of clothing or makeup. And the big one: People act like they are something that they are completely not.

I guess the big question that I have being in this industry is why people want to change the way they are when they enter this "arena". Do they think they have to? Are they presenting some type of image? Have they got the impression that they have to do these type of behaviors to fit in with everyone else, who for the most part, are doing the same thing that everyone else is doing, pretending? Or maybe, is it their opportunity for the week to lose the other part of themselves and join a fictionally reality? Yes, I wonder about these types of things.

Let's clear the air of something before I continue. If you're new to my world, a few things about me you should know. I'm naturally a risk taker. Whether I'm in a club, at work, at play, risk excites me. I'm loud and fun-loving. I'm singing and dancing in every area of my life, at the Y, with my family, on hikes (unless I'm dead tired). I'm very demonstrative, when I want to be, no matter where I am. That's just who I am. The place I am located at doesn't determine the nature of my personality. My personality is the same all the time. Ask my friends, family, co-workers. They all have weird, crazy stories of me, all over the place, most I don't remember because they all seem so natural to me.

So I find it very funny that I now work in an industry that a lot of the people who partake of it act just like me, even though that's not what I know of them. The real strange part is when people need to "enhance" their experience (Alcohol, drugs, random sexual encounters, etc.) so they feel like they get the full experience. I find it hilarious! What comes natural to me, others need to augment and experiment to find this fun self. My guess as to why this happens is that the club has become the adult version of "Disneyland". (which I still find repulsive right now guys) It's that place where a person can lose themselves for hours and find happiness that is produced from others people's dreams.

My fun and my dreams are my own. Am I saying I don't enjoy the club? Of course I like it, more people are taking risk and enjoying themselves. I just wish that all of them would be true to themselves and act the way they would act outside the club, that's all. There's no need to front on who you are and why you are that way. We don't need to "blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol". We can be fun, honest people who like to have a good time, without acting someway in one place, and something else in the club. If your a club person, and you question why I wrote this, just know that I'm not directing this at you, unless you for yourself know that this represents you. I respect you all. Unfortunately, there are some people I have met(actually, alot of them) that are one way outside the club, and another way in it.

How did this post come about? Well, last night, someone that I have complete respect for told me something that blew my mind. I would have never suspected it from her. I've always held her as a beautiful lady with self-respect. What she said? Let's just say it was graphic. And my first thought, (after politely being the gentleman I always am and refusing) was "where the heck am I?" I was completely taken aback by it, yet that small whisper made me feel like I was in this place reserved for Kings or Gods, a place where men could have whatever women they wanted, whenever they wanted. It was a scary thought because I've never NEVER been the woman chasing type at the club. I leave that to Rick and the boys. But I know this happens to them all the time. However, for me, I don't want someone from the club. I want a woman from my own dreams. Someone who'll accept this over-fed, long haired leaping gnome for who he is.

But it was crazy y'all! It was almost like Eric Burdon and War talked about:

Spill the wine, and take that pearl!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Tiny Dancer

I know you don't know why, but God Bless You! I don't know why, but I'm in tears right now as I type this. I'm listening to Elton John, and everything we talked about is coming back to me. What I told you about my dreams are real. You will never know how much you meant to me in my life. Probably at my loneliest time, when I felt like I could have done so many negative things in this life, you were there. Before the Y ever became a big portion of my life, you were there. Please understand that I was not a perfect person by any means. In fact I was doing some pretty bad things, stuff our parents would never know, and neither did you. But like I told you earlier, that didn't matter to you.

I can see you clearly now like you were back then. Your innocent face. Your big eyes, looking at me like I'm the champ, when clearly I wasn't. All I was back then in my mind now was this dumb, full of himself, middle school kid that took alot of things for granted and felt like the world didn't matter. I know now what an Idiot I was back then, and I believe whole-heartedly that this is why I have this need to help teenagers. I remember how I left and how much it hurt you. I know all of the things that you went through, and how you felt as result of what me leaving did to the family dynamic. Back then when you had your trials, I was scared. But still you would always smile for me. You have no idea right now how much regret I feel.

I know I can't change the past, and I don't want to. I just want you to know that without you in my life, I don't know if I would have made it to where I am now. I want you to know that I appreciate you, and everything that makes you beautiful. Your children are such a blessing to me, even though I can't see them that much. They remind me of a more innocent time in life, when we were young. I don't ever want to be a stranger in your life. I pray now like I did back then that you would be happy and that no one hurts you. I will always unconditionally love you with all my heart, even though you are miles away. I got your back, just like I did on those lonely nights.

The only wish I have now is that you can hold me like you did back when we were younger, and comfort your crying brother like only you could. Those were some difficult nights Michelle, but you held me and kept me company. I love you Missy, and I hope we can see each other soon. Keahi

But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you, and you can hear me
When I say softly, slowly

Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today

Monday, August 3, 2009

Dream Home

So for the longest time, I've wanted to live in a mountain retreat somewhere on Oahu that allowed for a fantastic view of the windward side, yet was secluded enough to be away from the city. I understand that this is Millionaire Man dreams, but stay with me here. Can you imagine the possibilities of living in a place like this, and the potential things that you can do? Picture if you will the ability to arise in the morning, have a great breakfast, throw on some shoes, then investigate the natural surroundings of your home. How about the ability to have your own hang glider and be able to just launch whenever you want to? Think about celebrating massive parties on your mountaintop and not have to worry about neighbors complaining about the noise. Being able to bike down the hill, survey the land, then drive back up with the truck you've left at the bottom for such things.

These are the types of dreams I have (for the longest time mind you). Part of this hiking craze I'm going through allows me to search out the various mountain peaks and see what is available. To this day, nothing has been able to compare with the secluded area at the top of Kamehame ridge. Located above Hawaii Kai, on the road that the Hang Gliders use to take off from over Sea Life Park, the land is curently owned by Kamehameha schools. It's in great shape from the last time I had been up there.

In a previous lifetime, I used to drive up to all these mountaintops and dream big dreams like this. As I drove up Kamehame Ridge for the first time, I just kept going because I was curious. There was an open gate, and even though I knew that I was not supposed to drive up to that area, I did anyway. I was surprised and excited by what I had found: the old Nike military installation, all busted up and graffitied. My first thought was not shame, but potential. I jumped out the car and made a quick survey of the area. The view was breathtaking! The natural indentation in the mountain that the old buildings were on would provide a safe haven to construct a beautiful home. It was secluded away from all the other homes by at least a mile. And you could just start exploring the ridges of the Koolaus!

Of course, the truth came rumbling up the road. Two guys in a Chevy Blazer stopped in front and asked what I was doing. I told them I was looking at my dream home. They laughed and said that I would need to buy the land from their employer, Bishop Estate. I guess they believed that they were crushing my dreams, but I told them that day, never say never. They said I needed to leave, so I jumped in the car, and I've been holding onto the dream ever since.

So I did some research about the place before I wrote this up. As you folks may have read, we did Makapu'u Tom-Tom, and I was able to see the new, renovated site during the hike. You guys want to know who runs the place now? It's the awesome people who run Winners Camp for teenagers . They have a forty year lease with Bishop Estate to be caretakers of the land and run their Winners Camp activities. How amazing is that! Guess what I'm gonna try to do now? You better believe I'm gonna try to be a volunteer for one of those camps. And who knows? Work hard, do good by people, do the work I was born to do, and maybe, just maybe, I can become the caretaker for that wonderful site. Can you imagine if I lived there, while I was running camps for teenagers? All my dreams coming together at one time? Stand back y'all! I just might have found my new calling. You folks have a good one!

Friday, July 31, 2009

Randomness defined

So, here I sit, trying to figure out some defined path that I'm supposed to take in this life. As usual, my flow has led me somewhere that I would never have expected even 5 years ago. I now work at Atherton YMCA as well for Rick Rock Productions, while keeping up a hiking addiction with Ryan. Life can be strange, with the different twists and turns that unexpectedly come up. Yet I've always been able to adapt, improvise, and overcome. Is that what I dreamed of as a kid?

I remember wanting to be a lawyer. I had no problem speaking my mind, I felt like lawyers could stand for people that couldn't stand for themselves. People make lawyer jokes all the time, but it ain't no joke when you need one. A good one. A strong one, one grounded with family values and character. I could literally see myself helping small children, single mothers, special needs kids that had no voice, young teens that just needed someone to believe in them when they made mistakes. That was what I thought I should do when I was young.

Funny how life gives you what you want, but not the way you pictured it or framed it in your mind. I've been able to affect so many lives in those situations by being the fun, carefree, loving individual that I am. Life has given me an opportunity through the Y to implement these "dreams" of mine. Life also gave me Radio, which allowed me to expand my reach and thought process, and make new friends and acquaintances. Life has given me my job with Rick, which I must admit at first I didn't see the plan clearly when I originally jumped on. But the one BIG thing that working with Rick has taught me is that we strive for excellence ALL the time. Even when we draw under expectation, we still do our best effort. Period.

I have now floated down the river of life and I'm at my current position. I'm still waiting for that Married thing. I hope it happens for me. I'm not one to force things, but I know that I must eventually get out and swing the bat. Be patient with me people. I know I'll make a connection soon enough. I think there are some things that need to be completed before that phase of me life comes down the river. I think sometimes people believe that I don't have a plan for my life except to take what comes and make the best of it. I will say this for myself: If you ever needed me to advocate for you for any reason, if you ever needed my help, if you ever felt some hopelessness in your life and needed someone to throw you a rope, I'd be there. Isn't that what a good lawyer is supposed to do for you in the first place?